Armchair Warriors, revisited......and judging a book.....

A few blog posts ago, I posted an entry called "Armchair Warriors and Futon Fighters", which spoke of the pros and cons of learning martial arts solely through media instead of through an instructor. I just want to share an amusing conversation I had with an Armchair Warrior just 30 minutes ago. (statements in brackets and italics are the thoughts that ran through my mind).

A gentleman came in and asked me "What's the difference between Wushu and Tai Chi?" Not a hello, not a "good afternoon", not even an answer to my "How are you today?".

As I started to answer his question, he "gently" interrupted me and  said "...Cuz, I'm asking because there IS a difference between Wushu and Tai Chi, you know..."

"Um....forgive me for misunderstanding, but are you asking me about the difference is, or will you be telling me what the difference is?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm asking you what the difference is....'cuz I have a martial arts background and I know what the difference is, and I just want to know if I have it correct...."

"Oh, I see." I said. I proceeded to go through a brief synopsis of the differences between Wushu and Tai Chi, and I didn't get far into the dialogue when the man interjected "....have you heard of pakooah?"

"Yeah, Pakooahchan". 

"OH!" I exclaimed. "You mean Bagua Zhang....Yes, I've heard of Baguazhang".

"Yeah, its all about circles, you know....." he answered.  I'm thinking of getting into Tai Chi because with all my martial arts experience, I think its time to learn the true meaning of martial arts...." 

At this point, he proceeded to "teach" me the meaning of Tai Chi and his style of kung fu. I let him speak for a few minutes till he said.... "then the Dalai Lama brought kung fu to the Shaolin temple..."

I had to interrupt at this point. "You mean "Boddhidharma", right?"

"Yeah, of course....Dalai Lama..." 

"Okay, so you're interested in Tai Chi, right? We have two classes....Yang style and Chen style. I suggest that you try a free lesson in each to see which class you'd prefer."

"I'd like the style that teaches the whole combative applications. Because of of the meaning of Tai Chi, I'd like to get into the combative stuff" he said.

"The meaning???" My voice trailed off because I didn't know what he meant by the "meaning of Tai Chi".

"Yeah, in Chinese, Tai Chi means "Great energy", you know. I want to gain that kind of energy...." he answered.  (he did NOT use the word "Qi" as part of his translation, did he?)

  The conversation went back and forth for another 15 minutes. I was amused by his big confidence in his knowledge, however incomplete it was. Impressed, actually....I was impressed that he was really trying hard to let it be known that he was knowledgeable, I wanted to giggle, actually.


"Well.....I can explain Tai Chi till I'm blue in the face, but I don't want to take up your time, I suggest...-"   I was interrupted by him stating "No, you don't have to, I already know all about it".  (don't roll your eyes, Rusty, don't roll your eyes....)

"If you don't mind me by asking, if you know about all about it, why are you looking for Tai Chi?" I asked

..."Cuz I want to learn the forms. I know with my previous background that I'll be able to understand it quicker than the usual beginners and master it quicker...." he answered.

"So....you're looking to be a teacher?" I asked.

"Yeah, I figure in a couple of years I can help teach at a school or teach on my own" he said.
(Oh my Gaaawwd....)


"Taiji isn't something that can be mastered in a mere 2 years, nor is it something that one can deem themselves skillful in, within such a short time, regardless of previous experience..." I said.    "Um, Sir, how long, out of curiosity, have you studied?"


He stepped forward a tad bit, folded his arms and said in a proud manner "I don't wanna brag, but I've done martial arts for about as long as you are alive..."  (you're kidding ,right??)

  "Thank you for the compliment about my age," I said. It was all I was able to say without giggling.

"How about this..." I said. "As I said, I don't want to bore you with the whole history of Tai Chi, why don't you come in and try one of our classes tomorrow night?"

"Well, I'll be around I'm sure, but I'm not going to say I'll be here tomorrow 'cuz it depends on what I'm doing tomorrow.." he said in an indignant manner.   "Who teaches that class?" he asked as he looked through a Tai Chi brochure. "Will I be able to meet the Sifu?"

"Maybe.....So, out of curiosity....how long did you study?"

"Uh, I did Tae Kwon Do when I was a kid, then Hung Gar.."

"How long?"

"6 months Hung Gar"  (6 months??)

"With which Sifu? Here in Seattle?"

"Uh, no, I learned from a guy who did Hung Gar and came up with his own style" he said.

"And your Sabumnim?" I asked.  


"What's that?"  he asked.      (you did Tae Kwon Do and don't know the terminology?)


"And how long in Tae Kwon Do?" I asked 


"Same, around 6 months. But I've studied many years on my own, you know. I've studied every book by Bruce Lee". Not everybody knows his own art of Wing Chun that he developed."  (Are you serious??)


He continued: "I'll be able to learn from the Sifu, right? 'Cuz I want to learn Tai Chi right, you know. I'm sure you're learning great things too, huh? How long have you been studying with the Sifu?"

I pointed at the "About Restita DeJesus" section on his brochure. "Um....that's me...I teach the Tai Chi classes".

He looked at the brochure, then at me, then back at the brochure. "YOU'RE the Sifu?"   (let the stammering begin)

"You're the teacher?"  he asked.    "And you teach the Wushu classes too?"

"Interested in our free intro class tomorrow night?" I asked.

"Uh, It depends on what my Monday looks like tomorrow." he replied. "Um, I didn't know you were the Master, I uh....uh..."

"Okay then. Have a great day. I'll see you again soon".   (Cue to leave. Cue to leave.)

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So, I wonder if he'll show up tomorrow night. 

Suggestion to martial arts "academics" out there. Its great that you're learning theory and concept from books and videos, but do NOT, I repeat do NOT assume that you can brag to the "office assistant" about your whole 12 months of martial arts classes and academic study done on and off for the past 15 years. Spare yourself the embarrassment of trying to impress the office assistant.

This situation made my day.....very amusing! But all I can do right now is shake my head in pity.

Check out some of my older posts on WordPress

Its been a sloooow process of moving my blog over to Blogger, but if you'd like to see my older posts from years past, feel free to have a look... https://sifurestita.wordpress.com

Initially, my original blog was on Windows Live Spaces, and Spaces was offering an upgrade to WordPress so I went ahead and made the switch. My old posts will live there till I import them over to Blogger.

Situp and pushups and squats, oh my!

 Around 3 weeks ago, I decided to add to my training routine and take on the "one hundred pushups" challenge. This training program involves following a formulated workout regimen, designed to build your strength to be able to do 100 pushups at once. There are 5 sets that you do, based on the day, and every "week" (not a calendar week, as the workouts are designed for every other day) you take an exhaustion test to determine your next level of workout for the following week. I'm currently at week 3, and so far, doing okay.

On the off days, I've also added "200 squats". At first, I thought it would be relatively easy, since I do martial arts stances and workout every day. However, I was humbled by my initial exhaustion test....40 squats, and my legs started to give out. Goes to show that just because I do martial arts, it doesn't mean that my legs are primed for that type of extended use. I'm looking forward to working my way up to the 200 at a time.

Then, just yesterday, I added the "3000 situps in October", suggested by Twitter friend, @LCTKD. He mentioned he was doing it, and asked who wanted to join in. "Me!! I'm in!" I responded. We managed to get another Twitter mutual  friend involved, and also one of my students.

While doing the 100 pushups and 200 squats program is going well, I find that its so much more fun with the 3000 situps in October to have others with you. It is very fun to share our progress online with each other, supporting each other and knowing that we have other friends interested in a common goal. So, I ask the students of my school, Seattle Wushu Center.... "Who's in? Who wants to join us in 3000 situps in October? Its 100 per day, but not necessarily all at once. I'm starting slow, doing them in sets of 25, with a minute rest in between sets. I'd like to get back to being able to do 100 at a time, and I figure I'll be there before October is over. :)

And the pushups and squats....who wants to join me? The pushups and squats programs are here: http://hundredpushups.com/

Meanwhile, this 5 year old Romanian boy is my motivation. 20 "air pushups". Wow. This kid is crazy strong. We'll see him in the Olympics one day, I'm sure of it! http://thebsreport.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/worlds-strongest-boy-5-year-old-breaks-push-up-record/

Okay....who's in?  come on....join us for the fun of fitness!  I'm here in Sacramento right now visiting family, and it doesn't take a noticeable time away from the visiting at all. In fact, while my sister is doing her daily workout with her DVD's, I've been doing mine.  Let's do this!

Armchair Warriors and Futon Fighters.

A friend of mine suggested a subject for one of my blog posts..... "is YouTube killing regular martial arts classes at bona fide schools?"  I liked the idea, but I want to expand on the idea a bit.

I would say....YouTube doesn't kill martial arts class schools. I am not saying that videos can replace a good instructor and classmates. If done correctly, a school's YouTube videos can recruit more students. Videos can be a good reference for students who are already familiar with a particular art. A good video can be a "video notebook"  if a student learned a form and forgot how to do a transition or forgot the exact angle of a form technique.

The issue here is not "is YouTube decreasing martial arts class attendance". The real issue is "Are video viewers thinking they can learn martial arts from a video, without a real instructor?"

I've met some people that claim to know martial arts, having learned from videos and books. Upon seeing such people display their skill, it is glaringly obvious that they learned from media instead of a good teacher. I've even heard of "practice groups" where members (with no actual experience under an instructor) will get together, watch videos or study books, then gather together to practice, spar, or even bout with swords!

Now, its one thing if you live out in the boondocks somewhere and cannot access a school. I would venture to say that if online videos are all you have, then videos would be a good initial exposure. It is when individuals think their skill is growing just because they've memorized a bunch of techniques or forms from video, that it becomes a "iffy" thing.

I see this a lot at an online discussion forum that I frequent or am a moderater for. "I want to do martial arts, but there are no schools near me. Can anyone help?" Usually, as a service, I'll research the location of schools near the forum member's location....and most times, I'll find schools within 25 miles. When I list these schools on a follow up post, and give hints on what to expect or what gear to purchase if they attend the school,  I hear all sorts of stuff. Here's just a sampling of stuff I've heard, and my responses to them.

- - "I want to do Kendo, not Karate or Tae Kwon Do. The nearest Kendo Dojo is too far from me"
          * It wouldn't hurt to get some training in *any* martial art, be it Karate or Tae Kwon Do. It will allow you to learn about body movement and coordinated technique. Ask the Tae Kwon Do teacher if they offer Kumdo, the Korean equivalent to Japanese Kendo. When you do find a Kendo Dojo, see if you can attend once a week to start. Or ask if they offer private lessons. You won't make progress as quickly, but at least you'd learn something.

-- MMA is the BEST! I want that, not wimpy Chinese stuff" (really, someone posted that)
         *See this post: (link to the post that has the smae comment in the above paragraph... "it wouldn't hurt to get some training in *any* martial art...." And by the way....a round kick in MMA is the same as Kung Fu's. Chinese arts have "Shuai Jiao"....grappling and throwing...and its just as hard pounding as MMA. Please refrain from calling an art "wimpy" until you research it.

-- "What do you mean I gotta spend $300 to $500 on a beginner's set of Kendo equipment? Can't the Dojo just let me borrow theirs?"
         * Wow, really? You really want to do Kendo but not willing to invest in the art? You shouldn't depend on the dojo to give you bogu to "borrow". Bogu should be fit specifically to YOU. Besides, the thought of wearing a Men that a bunch of other people sweated in, doesn't sound like fun.

-- "$65 bucks a month....too expensive. Any dojos that have classes for under $30 per month?"
       *$50 to $150 per month at an established school, is the average tuition fee, depending on how many classes you attend per week. If cost is really an issue, try your local YMCA or see if an established school has sliding scale fees. Offer to work at the Dojo as part of your tuition payment, they might take you up on it if it suits both you and the school"

-- "I want the best art that can kill people quickly, like in the , I don't want some traditional art that won't do anything"
       *You're not going to learn how to kill people from videos. And do you really believe everything you see on cracked.com?

-- "I'm good at following videos, why would I need to pay money to someone to learn what I can easily follow on the video?"
      *A good teacher has gone through rigorous and serious training to be able to become a teacher. They have the experience. Tuition itself doesn't pay the teacher, because really, there's no price you can pay for the teacher's experience. The tuition pays for the facility you're in, and the school's bills. Your tuition helps you be able to be in a place where trained teachers can instruct you. You wouldn't expect to learn open heart surgery online and for free, would you? You NEED a skilled eye (instead of one's own overconfident eyes) to correct your mistakes and be a physical example for you."

-- "I'm learning from a friend of mine who studies . He's done it for 2 years so I trust him"
    * Two years is not enough experience for someone to teach. He's still learning himself, so how can he teach you? If anything, what will happen is that you'll end up just being as good as he can teach. And if he can't teach well, then you're not doing anything except for imitating him.

You'll notice that comments such as those listed above, are comments that really mean:

"I want free martial arts training and I don't want to travel"

"I don't want to invest in the gear and accessories...I just want to learn the cool stuff."

"I want to be able to fight and possibly kill people, but I don't want to work for it"

If you really want to learn martial arts, find a way or a means to do so....and be ready for some hard work and even eating some humble pie. Videos and books are great tools for your training, but not a replacement. Once you've practiced a long time at one martial art, you'll find that your understanding of another martial art is easier to grasp, but even then, videos and books should be used as reference, not replacement for good instruction. you might even find that when you get into another art, you'll be working just as hard as your other art.

So in a nutshell, it is not the video sites out there that are preventing people from attending real martial arts classes. It is the attitudes of the viewers. They *think* they can learn from videos. And 9 times out of 10, one's perception of their own skill is greater than their actual skill. If you want You can't get good at any martial art without hard work and possibly taking a few lumps.

If you want to study martial arts and become good at it, don't settle for being an "armchair warrior" or a "futon fighter".

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See this Yahoo! question and answer session for more comments about this very subject:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100303080033AA2nvzG

Can't vs. Won't

Teaching very young children martial arts can sometimes be a challenge....not only must instructors make each activity in class an age-appropriate activity, but we must also be open to a child's attention span, mood changes and learn how to deal with mood swings in a firm yet caring manner. However, the benefit of teaching children, is the many lessons you will learn for yourself while you teach them. :)

One day in my "Tiny Tigers" class (3 to 4 year old kids), we were doing a drill called "pop-up". When a child's name is called, they are to "pop-up" from a seated position and do 2 reps of whatever movement they were taught earlier in the class. After a few rounds, one of the children "Jack", did not pop up when his name was called.

"Jack, aren't you going to pop up and show us your great front kick?"

Jack flopped backwards onto his back as a couple of other kids giggled. "I can't...." he said as his voice trailed off.

"I think you can..." I replied. "You do so well on your front kick. Wouldn't you like to show how strong your front kick is?"

"I can't do it...." Jack said. His voice was a touch shy of being a whine, but he didn't whine.

"Why not, Jack?" I asked.

".....'Cuz I can't...". Jack's father urged "C'mon buddy, you can do it".

"But I can't". Jack said. Odd. Jack was always so good at his front kicks. He started to squirm around on his back, just as little children do as they awaken from a short nap. "I can't do it.".

So as to keep the class going, I asked "Okay, that's fine. But do you remember what you have to do when you are not participating?"

"Uh huh....I sit next to mommy or daddy quiet and not talk...."

"What else?" I asked.

"I gotta ask to join the class when I'm ready..."

"That's right, now go sit down quietly".

After another few minutes of the pop up game, I gave all the kids a short break to get some water. As the kids clamored to their bags to get their water, I saw Jack on the corner of the floor, doing side kicks. I grinned....I thought that maybe Jack just needed a break and now he's back on task.

"Jack! That's a really cool side kick! Can you show me your front kick as cool as your side kick?"

He flopped to the ground. "I can't" he said. I tried to help him up, but he flopped more, make himself heavier.

I reminded him, "Jack, if you cannot participate today, you'll have to go home with Daddy and not do Martial Arts today...."

"But I wanna stay..." He protested.

"Well, sit here a few minutes and we'll see if you can stay on task in a bit", I answered.

After break was over, I got out the "big kids" kicking shield for side kick practice. "Okay! Time for side kicks!, everybody ready for side kicks?"

"Yes Sifu!!" the class shouted. Including Jack. He shouted "Yes Sifu" too.  I cocked my head and gave him a grin.

"Jack, what do you say?"

"Uh....Sifu, I'm ready now.  Can I come in?"

Jack's father grinned "Go on, and listen to Sifu"

Jack did great for his side kicks....they were pretty strong too! He also did great with his inward blocks and evasive techniques for the rest of class.

As I reflected on the class afterward, I realized that Jack had probably reached an important milestone....the ability to recognize that he can make choices for himself. It wasn't that Jack *couldn't* do front kicks... it was just that he *chose* not to do them. I don't know if he just didn't feel strong at them that day, or if he just didn't find them interesting , but he made the choice not to do them. The only thing was, he didn't quite know the difference between the words "Can't" and "Won't". He didn't quite understand that the word "can't" didn't indicate a physical inability (he's done front kicks before), he said "can't" because he simply didn't *want* to do front kicks. Although he made choices that day based on "acceptance" and "refusal", he simply didn't have the concept of what "won't" meant, or what "refusal" meant.

We, as adults, sometimes do this as well. However, as adults, we should be able to understand the difference between "not being able" / "not knowing how", and "not wanting to".  The lines between our choices aren't quite as blurred as they are when we were children. However, when we say "Can't", we tend to apply the word to our lack of understanding of something or to when we feel we're not up to par with our own expectations or expectations of others. Before you blurt out the word "Can't", do a quick mental note of why you "can't". Is it that you just aren't skilled enough? Is it that you don't understand? Is it that you're not trusting your judgment? Is your intuition telling you to hold off till later? Do you feel that you'll be embarrassed if you don't look good in the eyes of others?

No matter what the reason, get to know what that reason is before your say "can't".  Yes, it is your choice to engage or not....but try not to use the word "can't" when you really mean "I choose not to", "I'm not interested", or "I'm not quite up to par yet". Choose the words that accurately reflect your position. The word "Can't", for many of us big kids, can easily turn into a convenient excuse if we don't check ourselves.

Want to know how to get "Can't" to turn into "Can"? Its simple.....try.. Everyone is capable of "can", albeit at a lesser degree than our expectations. To meet those expectations, we just have to keep plugging along.

I have to disagree with Yoda on his quote "Do or do not, there is no try". "Try" does mean a path to "do", assuming that we're committed to the task. Not everyone is born as a Jedi Knight, after all. :)

A favorite fable from the Philippines, "The upo plant"

Image via Wikipedia

When I was a child, I remember hearing fables that taught moral lessons. Many of these stories were very amusing, but taught great lessons, such as the stories of "Juan Tamad" (Lazy John), which describe the consequences of laziness or making too many excuses. The following fable, however, has always been a favorite:

The Upo Plant *

Once upon a time a wild specie of the upo plant grew in the garden of Tandang Teban. When the old man saw the growing plant, he carefully entwined the stem around a small bamboo post to make a trellis for the plant.

The plant did not like the idea of the old man. It wanted to grow freely like any other plant. So the plant talked to the wind.

"Mang Hangin! Magkaibigan tayo, di ba²? Look at me," the plant pleaded. "I am a mere slave of Mang¹ Teban. I need your help. I want to grow freely like the grasses and the plants around me. Look at the banana, the rose, the sampaguita³, and the other plants in this yard. They are free. So my friend, I beg you to blow hard and loosen the tie around my body till it breaks."

"Your request is not just," replied the wind, "but if that is what you like, I will do what you please." So the wind blew hard. It blew hard some more, thus breaking the knot around the body of the upo.

"Thank you," said the upo gratefully. The vine then crawled freely on the ground.

Just then a dog that was looking for a piece of bone came along. The dog stepped heavily on the small vines and was able to find the bone. In taking the bone away, the dog also carried a part of the vine to a far distance. The poor plant not only became short; every part of it was damaged.

When Tandang Teban visited his upo plant next morning, he saw the poor state of the plant. At once he tied the plant to a thin bamboo post. The plant drew a deep sigh of relief.

After a few days, Mang Teban arranged a trellis for the upo to sling its vines on. The plant blossomed. The leaves gave shade while the flowers and fruits gave joy to those who saw them.

One time the wind blew hard and played with the leaves of the upo. The plant requested the wind to blow softly so that the plant would not fall down.

"When you were still maliit, you asked me to set you free from the bamboo post so you may crawl freely on the ground," the wind replied. "Now you request me to spare you. YOu sound funny indeed."

"I had an unforgettable experience," said the upo. "I know now that all creatures have their own ways of living on earth. Experience is the best teacher."

---------------------------

* Upo is a common gourd vegetable in the Philippines, that if left to grow, can reach very large sizes. The dried shells of the gourd may be fashioned into utensils, bowls, flutes, and smoking pipes, just to name a few uses. I still enjoy upo in the hearty "pinakbet" stew whenever the local Asian store has it in stock. Especially delicious in Filipino fish stews. :)


1. "Mang" is considered a contraction of the respectful title "Manong", which is formally used as a title for older male relatives. (for women, the title is "Manang"). Nowadays, "Mang" is commonly used in place of the word "Mister", especially in reference to those who are older.


2. Roughly translates as ""Mister Wind! We are friends, aren't we?"

3. The "Sampaguita" is the national flower of the Philippines.  My mother used to tell my sister and I about the beauty of the flower, and how the scent of a Sampaguita field can be smelled for miles . Mom told us that oil made from the flowers is used as a rub for headaches and migraines, and that the flower is used for Jasmine tea in China. 

"Make way! Make way for the King!": How to deal with conceited people

We've all met people like this at least once. The types of people that think they're "all that". The ones that think the world revolves around them. The people that assume others are in their service. The people that revel in the knowledge that they're handsome, beautiful, smart, tough, or powerful. The people that make it very much obvious that you should feel blessed to be in their wonderful presence. 

My friend told me a story about an incident at her apartment where another resident parked a junker car in my friend's assigned parking space. My friend left a note in the resident's mailbox....not a rude note, but one that asked very nicely for the resident to move the car so that she could park in her own assigned spot. This is where the proverbial sh*t hit the fan. The resident called the police and made a fuss about my friend threatening her, demanding my friend be arrested, and other ridiculous claims.

My friend is the type of person that doesn't like to cause or deal with conflict. so this is a hard situation as the other woman taunts her with phrases like "I'm not moving my car, what are you going do about it?" and "Its not over yet, Bitch". It has gotten to the point where my friend peeks out her door before leaving her own apartment, afraid that the other woman is waiting around, to taunt her more. The other resident has even gone so far as to rally other neighbors on her side, by padding the story, making my friend out to be the evil one. They gather around and laugh at my friend as she tries to find a place to park her car. They make it known that they're in control, and that everything works on their terms.

After hearing my friend's story, I was saddened. I too was there many times, tiptoeing around people not to cause conflict. I knew what it was like to have my self respect shattered to the point where I actually thought I was less than what I really was. I thought about how I allowed it to happen, and though about the hard work I put into patching my confidence and self respect. "You shouldn't have to live like this...." I asked my friend. "Where's the apartment manager in all this?"

"I don't know. I think I'm just going to move to another apartment. I think she waits for me every day to let me know there's nothing I can do about it...." she replied.

"...But then you'll let her take more of your power if you move..." I said.

She looked at me in a puzzled look. "This woman knows you're avoiding her." I added. "She knows she's got people on her side....she doesn't care that her side of the story is all lies. She's an energy-hog, and it seems that she thrives on the knowledge that she has power. But, the power isn't hers....its YOURS. She's taken your personal power. And, the more you feed it with your fear, with your checking if she's out there before you leave for work, when you avoid eye contact with her and rush away, you give her more power....and, feel more and more drained in the process".

Being that my friend is humble and non-aggressive, I continued with this comment: "I'm not talking about you turning into a hard-shelled "don't mess with me" person,... that's not what I mean about "power" here. Any amount of self-respect, confidence, and feelings of security you have, that's your power. You've allowed her to take a lot of it.....trick is, to gain it back."

"...But how do I not give it away? How can I get it back from this arrogant conniving lady?" my friend asked.

 In a nutshell, this is what I suggested, to deal with self-absorbed energy hogs:

• Establish your boundaries. Know just how far energy hogs can approach before you start feeling that your space is being infringed upon. When they cross that boundary, it is time to nicely, but firmly, remind them not to "walk on the grass". Don't make the boundary too big, or you'll appear stand-offish. Don't make the boundary too small either, because you'll feel all the negativity, arrogance, and self-absorbed behavior in a big rush, and you'll get overwhelmed.
• When your boundaries are breached, stand firm. Many times, a person who doesn't like conflicts, will allow their boundaries to be infringed upon, just so that the other person doesn't get angry. Well, where does that leave you? It leaves you frustrated and angry, and hiding these emotions just to avoid conflict, is not healthy for your emotional self. Mentally keep your boundaries at a clear line, and try not to convince yourself that making your boundary "smaller" makes you "braver".
• Know that most arrogant people are looking for attention to be on them...regardless if it is positive or negative attention. This is where they feel powerful....they feel empowered by their ability to generate attention. There may or may not have self esteem issues, or they might feel that something is missing in their personal or emotional lives. Regardless of the reason, it is attention they seek. Know that there is some type of underlying reason why they are the way they are.
• Don't settle for being in the shadow of their self-made pedestal. Allow yourself to be their equal. This doesn't mean to be as conceited as they are, but as long as you abdicate your position to a much lower one, they will drain more and more of your personal power. Know that they are people too....albeit overly egotistical people. This will level the playing field a little bit.
• Keep calm and keep your attention on your own well being. If you give attention to these types of self-absorbed people, you'll place less attention on your own needs, thereby, "giving away your power". If you get angry, this is what some energy hogs thrive upon.
• Let trusted people know of your concerns, especially if the arrogant person is making you fearful. It may sound counter-productive, as having other people know about the situation will give more "attention" to the arrogant energy-hog. But, having other people support you is helpful. Be sure to not follow the energy-hog's behavior by not padding your story and sticking to the facts.
• Keep your circle of influence a positive one. Your "circle of influence" is our network of people that are upbeat, positive, good listeners, and willing to share positive information in areas of personal life, workplace, etc. These are people that support and respect your personality, likes, dislikes, etc. If you have more "good influence" and less "bad influence" (in this case, an arrogant, petty, and vengeful neighbor), then hopefully, the bad influence will take a backseat to the the positive influences.
• Know that its okay to stand your ground. You don't permission from the energy-hog anyone to stand your ground and do what is necessary to keep your personal power. For every time you don't stand your ground to prevent conflict, you give away more of your personal power.
• As well as personal and emotional space, keep your energetic space (on more of an aesthetic and metaphysical note): Keep your energetic "bubble" as confident and "warm" as you can. Your energetic space is one that is yours alone, and you're the only one that can make the choices as to who enters your space and contributes to it. Continue to be focused on your own well being, and allow your energetic space be a part of your safe-haven....protect it ardently.

Remember that no matter what the conceited person thinks of you, only you know the truth about how you really are. Try not to allow the conceited person to drain you of your self respect and don't allow their self-inflated egos to destroy your well being.

My friend now is confident, that if she does move from her apartment, that its based on  her own decision, instead of being forced out by an arrogant bully.  I only hope, that her personal power continues to be gained back from the bully, and continues to grow by leaps and bounds.

"What's in it for me"?- -Self absorption: Saturated in your own junk.....

Leave Ego aside. If we are too self absorbed, 

we become like a wick saturated in our own oil,

yet not letting others light the lamp.

This results in functional, yet useless lamp.

Okay, I'll admit....I've been guilty of "self absorption". We all are self absorbed to some degree or another. Thinking about our own needs and desires is a motivating factor to keep us plugging along and going forward with our goals and aspirations. This is good! If we lose that sense of self-importance that motivates us, we would sit around and become stagnant.  However sometimes we all go through phases where the self-absorption begins to turn too severe selfishness. When we forget about everything else and make the world revolve around us, we miss out on a lot of things.

During a self-reflection after one of my usual meditation sessions a few months ago, I came upon the realization that a period of time had been based around my self-absorption, instead of what I really *am*.  Common thoughts in my head during this time were "What's in it for ME?" "How do I benefit?" "What do I get if I do this or that?".  I found myself getting frustrated or impatient when things weren't happening fast enough.

As I arose from my meditation bench, I asked myself several things:

1.What do I truly enjoy in life and with other people?

2. What exactly are the needs, goals, and desires that I need for myself?Whtat do I feel is "missing"?

3. What do I consider as "reward"? Will the world end if I don't get the exact rewards I seek?

4. Can I still be able to share with others, and still attend to my needs, goals, and desires?  

Do you find yourself frequently asking things like "What's in it for me?", "How will this benefit me? What can I get if I agree to that?".  Granted, I run a business and I "should" be asking these questions to benefit my business. But I'm not talking about finding ways to market my business or finding opportunities for the benefit of my business. I'm talking about doing things merely for the benefit of my Ego. I'm talking about manifesting things only if we're guaranteed some type of reward, money, or recognition. I'm talking about only paying attention to activities or people only if they have a role in benefitting our Ego and personal gains.  

Let's ask ourselves.....When was the last time we manifested something wonderful for *other people* other than ourselves? When was the last time we enjoyed helping others without the expectation of reward? When was the last time we willingly gave your time instead of feeling that we wasted it? When was the last time we accepted a long line at the bank or something breaking down instead of getting upset that the world isn't doing our bidding at the time we demand it? When was the last time we asked how the other person was doing before talking about our own things?

Also, let's listen to ourselves....in any situation, listen to how many times  the word "I" comes into thoughts. If we find ourselves always asking "What's in it for me??", acknowledge it and think about your next step. Think outside your box and see things from the outside looking in. Think about the other person and/or their situation as well.  I'm not saying that we should sell oursevles short....on the contrary.... I'm just saying "Get your Ego out of the equation". Or...."Get your head out of your...." Well, you get the picture.

Although I never outwardly and rudely asked out loud "What's in it for me?" whenever situations or opportunities arose, I did find myself thinking it a lot. Things became motivating factors only if there was reward. For a bit of time, I lost a little bit of who I really was and I didn't notice I was doing it.  I decided to re-invest my time in doing what I enjoy and sharing with others....all the while still attending to my needs and goals. I remembered that giving away my time was not necessarily "wasting" it. I remembered that the world wouldn't end if I didn't get rewards all the time. I remembered the joys of knowing that great people are blessings in our midst, not merely network spokes on the benefit hub.

We all can benefit from toning down our self-absorption.......You might be surprised that when we give ourselves for the greater good of others, the benefits we seek show up on their own.