"What's in it for me"?- -Self absorption: Saturated in your own junk.....

Leave Ego aside. If we are too self absorbed, 

we become like a wick saturated in our own oil,

yet not letting others light the lamp.

This results in functional, yet useless lamp.

Okay, I'll admit....I've been guilty of "self absorption". We all are self absorbed to some degree or another. Thinking about our own needs and desires is a motivating factor to keep us plugging along and going forward with our goals and aspirations. This is good! If we lose that sense of self-importance that motivates us, we would sit around and become stagnant.  However sometimes we all go through phases where the self-absorption begins to turn too severe selfishness. When we forget about everything else and make the world revolve around us, we miss out on a lot of things.

During a self-reflection after one of my usual meditation sessions a few months ago, I came upon the realization that a period of time had been based around my self-absorption, instead of what I really *am*.  Common thoughts in my head during this time were "What's in it for ME?" "How do I benefit?" "What do I get if I do this or that?".  I found myself getting frustrated or impatient when things weren't happening fast enough.

As I arose from my meditation bench, I asked myself several things:

1.What do I truly enjoy in life and with other people?

2. What exactly are the needs, goals, and desires that I need for myself?Whtat do I feel is "missing"?

3. What do I consider as "reward"? Will the world end if I don't get the exact rewards I seek?

4. Can I still be able to share with others, and still attend to my needs, goals, and desires?  

Do you find yourself frequently asking things like "What's in it for me?", "How will this benefit me? What can I get if I agree to that?".  Granted, I run a business and I "should" be asking these questions to benefit my business. But I'm not talking about finding ways to market my business or finding opportunities for the benefit of my business. I'm talking about doing things merely for the benefit of my Ego. I'm talking about manifesting things only if we're guaranteed some type of reward, money, or recognition. I'm talking about only paying attention to activities or people only if they have a role in benefitting our Ego and personal gains.  

Let's ask ourselves.....When was the last time we manifested something wonderful for *other people* other than ourselves? When was the last time we enjoyed helping others without the expectation of reward? When was the last time we willingly gave your time instead of feeling that we wasted it? When was the last time we accepted a long line at the bank or something breaking down instead of getting upset that the world isn't doing our bidding at the time we demand it? When was the last time we asked how the other person was doing before talking about our own things?

Also, let's listen to ourselves....in any situation, listen to how many times  the word "I" comes into thoughts. If we find ourselves always asking "What's in it for me??", acknowledge it and think about your next step. Think outside your box and see things from the outside looking in. Think about the other person and/or their situation as well.  I'm not saying that we should sell oursevles short....on the contrary.... I'm just saying "Get your Ego out of the equation". Or...."Get your head out of your...." Well, you get the picture.

Although I never outwardly and rudely asked out loud "What's in it for me?" whenever situations or opportunities arose, I did find myself thinking it a lot. Things became motivating factors only if there was reward. For a bit of time, I lost a little bit of who I really was and I didn't notice I was doing it.  I decided to re-invest my time in doing what I enjoy and sharing with others....all the while still attending to my needs and goals. I remembered that giving away my time was not necessarily "wasting" it. I remembered that the world wouldn't end if I didn't get rewards all the time. I remembered the joys of knowing that great people are blessings in our midst, not merely network spokes on the benefit hub.

We all can benefit from toning down our self-absorption.......You might be surprised that when we give ourselves for the greater good of others, the benefits we seek show up on their own.

Pom-Poms and Positive Purpose....

All of us has "cheerleaders" for ourselves and our group of sub-personalities.....but, do your cheerleaders motivate YOU to play at your best, or do the cheers prompt you to boo the other team?

I remember going to Football and Basketball games in High School. As a member of the marching band, we attended the games to provide music for half-time and to accompany the cheerleaders in the "fight songs". The cheerleaders were so peppy....I wondered how those gals ever mustered up the energy to do all shouting and jumping and dancing for hours.

I remember our crowds at games shouting cheers along with our cheer squad, and our band would blare out the "Charge!" tune, our fight songs and other tunes to motivate our teams to play hard and win big. During basketball games, our band would frequently blare our horns and pound the drums with the opposing team was at the free-throw line, hoping the noise would make the opposing team "brick" a shot. Our band would sometimes play the "neener-neener" tune when the other team would miss a shot or if the other team missed a touchdown pass. We would boo the other team if they celebrated a goal, or we would call the referees "blind" if a call was made against our team. If we werere winning, we'd gloat and make it known.....if we were losing, we were sometimes brutal to the other team.

But, on hindsight, you know what I noticed? The cheerleaders themselves NEVER boo'd the other team. They never prompted us to make noise to mess up a free thow, they NEVER prompted us to curse the other team or other coach. They just led cheers to motivate OUR team. When our teams scored, the cheerleaders cheered, if the other team scored, they would just shout "That's alright! Bring it back!". Meanwhile, the rest of us non-cheerleaders would curse, throw things, and do everything short of wishing a lightning strike on the opposing team, just so we would win. All that negative behavior never changed the fact that the other team was focused and playing well. In fact, all our cursing and shouting at the other team took away the important element....cheering on our OWN team.  The cheer squad sometimes told us to be nice, but we were being the die-hard fans that wanted victory just the same, and we continued to boo the other team. In the end, our favorite team, the football team, ended up winning one game of the season, in what was dubbed the "Basement Bowl". One game for the season. Wow. What a disappointment.

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Whether it is martial arts, your career, or whatever other activity you'd like to "win", we all have "cheer squads"....those inner voices that keep us moving toward our goal, those motivating factors that keep us plugging on and going forward. However, be sure to check your attitude at the door! If you're doing well, then celebrate! However don't place blame on other people or make excuses for your shortcomings or perceive failures. Just concentrate on playing well and playing hard! Accept a loss, and learn what you need to do to make the next "game" successful. Remember, each time a losing team gets upset and places blame and animosity toward the the winning team, the losing team just sits there wallowing in "we suck, we need to win next time!", while the other team is back in practice sessions, getting better and perfecting their play.

Let your cheerleaders motivate you, but don't use them as an excuse to blast the other team. Alright, team, get out there and GO!!!

Let me hear you yell Go Go!
                                       
Let me hear you yell Fight Fight!
                                      
Let me hear you yell Win Win!
                                       
Let me hear you yell Go, fight, win!

Physical Conditioning & Emotional Conditioning

From: www.hardcore-stress-management.com

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." - Victor Frankl

I attended a recent 4 day seminar with Grandmaster Chen Zhenglei, hosted by my teacher, Sifu Yijiao Hong. During the 4 days of training, most of us who attend all 4 days had sore legs from the stance work. Some of us (myself included) even had soreness in the shoulders and torso. On the final day of the seminar, Master Chen asked "Are you sore? Legs sore?" The class chuckled, and we all took a quick mental note of how our bodies felt. Many of us groaned at our sore quadriceps, and joked that we should "finally admit it".....so we said, "Yes, Laoshi!". Byron, our leader for warmups, asked Master Chen, "Laoshi, what shall we do for the leg pain?" Grandmaster smiled, and said "PRACTICE MORE!"

A great lesson. I guess we were expecting a response akin to Qigong healing or stretching, but Grandmaster told us plain and simply: "Practice more". Upon telling my massage practitioner about this amusing exchange, my therapist said "Yes, it allows for the lactic acid to get flushed out, but its the cool down exercises after the workout that are important."  <sup>1  

As it turns out, Tai Chi can help increase muscle endurance because of its slow and controlled movements that activate the slow twitch muscles. 2  Do a Tai Chi workout, then not do it again for days or weeks in the same fashion, and you lose the benefits and get sore all over again. The long term practice is where we gain the benefits. After all, it is not the *techniques* themselves that cause the soreness, it is the body's reaction to the exercise. If we're not conditioned to a hard workout, of course out bodies will balk and be sore.


As I was on the massage table at my therapist's office, I realized that this lesson applies to not just our physical conditioning, but our emotional conditioning as well.  If we were to consider emotions such as anger, greed, frustration, worthlessness, etc, as "Pain", then we could, theoretically, apply Grandmaster's lesson to our emotional lives. 


We will use "anger" as an example. Anger is a secondary emotion, and  is for some, a knee-jerk reaction to some other "primary" emotion (disappointment, embarassment, feeling pressured, etc). Often, it may a reaction to the primary emotion of  "fear", or the anger might stem from an emotional need or desire that has not yet been fulfilled. If we acknowledge what the primary emotion is, and ask ourselves what we can control about the situation (if we're feeling out of control of it), and what our options are, we can think a bit more clearly about the situation and decide whether or not the anger is worth expending energy on. When we can think clearly, we can carry on .


Most people will one of three things when confronted by negative emotion: Run from the stimulus, tackle it head on (i.e. feel the anger and act upon it), or go around it to move forward. Some people would say that options 1 and 2 are negative responses, and the 3rd is the best choice. However there are some things to consider:</sup>

• ^{If you're going to run, don't run backward. Try not to delve into you past and make this current situation a repeat of a long gone past experience. Take time off to cool off, then get back to the situation and address it with a clear head.}
• ^{If you're going to tackle it, don't tackle it all at once. Get angry will not change the situation, and we all are too familiar with the blindness that anger brings. Remember, in order to move a boulder from your path, you have to chip away at it with the right tool.....a paper clip isn't going to do the job, you must have a pick-axe or similar tool. With a clear head, you can better choose the right tools.}
• ^{If you go around it, be sure you aren't just avoiding it. If you just go around it and leaving the "obstacle" there, it will still be there. Acknowledge the "obstacle", observe it as you go around and take mental notes as to how you can clear the path. After all, if you leave the obstacle, then you leave it for someone else.....how lazy does that sound?}

<sup>Remember, in the case of anger, it is not situations or words that make us angry, it is our reaction to them. For some,  emotions are based on past experiences. Some people tend to attach a situation that similar to a past experience, and react with an outburst exactly as they did during the past experience. Many times, these outbursts will be out of context with the current situation, but the pattern happens anyway.

So, how do deal with these  negative patterns and thought processes? PRACTICE MORE. Stay with the situation, let it play out while you acknowledge your primary emotion to the situation or try to figure out what similar past experience is making your negative reaction happen. It takes PRACTICE. 

Anger, despite it negative connotation, does have its good purpose....it is a mechanism for survival....the body's response is to fill the body with the energy to deal with a "fight or flight" situation. Its a mechanism that evolved so that we, as primitive humans in eons past, could use to defend ourselves or our tribes. But if we use it out of context, we sure would look silly wielding our clubs against a wild animal that isn't even there!


Practice more. Stick with it. As Grandmaster says, it will condition your body and make things easier. Increase your emotional endurance. Even the most healthy body with great physical endurance, will not be useful if our emotion endurance is weak.


And by the way....did I mention....we should practice more.


And before I forget.....don't forget to practice more.   :)</sup>












1. Forum thread on "active recovery: http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/diet-bodybuilding/what-can-flush-out-lactic-acid-muscles-owwwwwww-473883.html
2. Tai Chi or jogging for lower body conditioning: http://www.ideafit.com/fitness-library/tai-chi-or-jogging-lower-body-conditioning

The lesson of the Hummingbird

This wonderful article written by Eknath Easwaran in 1990, is a great lesson in how we may live. Food for thought......http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC26/Easwaran.htm

The fable of the two wolves...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

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I've thrown many a juicy steak to the Evil Wolf.....it approaches with snarling teeth, then snatches the food and runs. Why feed a snarling wolf in the first place? If you have to throw the steak to avoid getting your hand bitten off, what's the point?

On the other hand, if I feed the Good Wolf, I've noticed that the Good Wolf nuzzles my hand before gently taking food, then hangs out for a while, sitting at my feet. There is no fear when feeding a creature that trusts you.

Which Wolf do YOU feed?

Change....the only constant.....

"Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." - John C. Maxwell 

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As the quote says, "some people don't want to believe that".

When I was in my 20's, "change" was something I hated. I was, in my mind, in control of everything in my life. When anything changed, be it a slight change to my work schedule even a change in plans for a vacation, I felt the need to "control" the situation again. Granted, I was able to make the necessary changes to my schedules or whatever it may have been, but I wasn't necessarily happy with it.

The biggest change I underwent, was quitting my job in order to run a martial arts school full time. I was scared....."Quit my job? Are you insane?". In my heart, I knew that committing 100% of my efforts to my new school would be the way to start the marketing and find new students to pay the rent. But, in my mind, I was fighting my refusal to quit my job. I tried to find all sorts of excuses to keep my safety and security of my job, while trying to run a full time school. In the end, I took the plunge, quit my job, and never looked back. The first year of not having that secure income from my job, was very scary. I made use of "101 ways to prepare Top Ramen", and I thought about getting another job. But I knew that if I didn't commit myself and make it work, that my dream of having a full time school would go up in smoke. I was blessed to have a supportive business partner that sometimes had to bring me out of my silent balking at such a big change in my life.

That was in 1991, and in the past 19 years I've learned through trial and error, that change is a much needed thing in order to grow. Change provides us with a different way of looking at things, a fresh method of applying our skills or knowledge, and sometimes, change can bring about challenges that make us buckle down and really think about our next course of action. Change allows us to transform from what we "were", to what we "can become". Change allows us to look at things from the outside-looking-in, instead from our self-absorbed egos. Resistance to change, however, can most times prevent us from realizing our true potential and making meaningful changes to our lives.

Lately, I've realized that change is not necessarily just an outward thing, nor is change a radically different situation or attitude than what I'm used to. I've realized, that over the years, I had changed my outward attitude just to cover up my "inward attitude" (interests and goals that have been put on the backburner). Once I realized that my interests and future goals are not going to completely "change" me into a different person (that, was my fear), nor my friends think I'm crazy for having the interests that I do (another fear!), I was able to "change" yet again, and let go of the fear. What a liberating and transforming experience! This "loosening of the binds", makes me more aware of life's purpose, and made me think a bit more about life's priorities. Life is about choices....we can either make the wrong choices, learn from them and move on, or not pay attention to our choices at all and blame the world for our shortcomings or take credit for the successes. No matter what, our choices and changes determine how we make life out to be.

Sound off!....Have you ever been in that state where "change" was something you resisted? Did you manage to get used to "change"? What was scary about "change"?  How did it make you feel? How have you changed?

Fable: "The wise healing sage"

There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who saw he was a sage and told him of a sick child nearby.  She beseeched him to help this child.  The sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight.  One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.
 "Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a skeptical man from the crowd.
 "You know nothing of such things!  You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.

The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red.  He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said:  "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?" 

 And thus, the sage healed two people that day.

-Author unknown

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"Thank You", the phrase that pays.....

I was coming out of the grocery store last night, and as I hit a parking lot bump, my potato rolls jumped out of a bag and hit the pavement. A teen walking the other way stopped short, picked up the rolls and said "Here you go, Ma'am", tipped his baseball cap and started to walk away.

"Ma'am? Hat tip?" I thought. "Wow. From a teen, even!".

"Thank you so much!" I said with a grin. Just then, I thought, "Wow..."thank you" is a word that has been ingrained to be an automatic response. Did I say it out of reflex, or did I say it because I meant it?"

I did mean it. I was more thankful seeing a teen, all decked out in teen fashion, using "Sir" and "Ma'am", tipping his baseball cap like days of yore, than thankful about my potato rolls. Potato rolls are a dime a dozen.....seeing such formality and manners with teens, is a jewel! I thanked that kid, not for preserving my rolls, but for renewing my faith in youth manners that I thought was slowly being lost.

I think he knew my "thank you" was heartfelt and sincere....at least I hope so! However... some people have a hard time saying thank you. Have you met people like that?

Some of us have different reasons why we might have a hard time saying "Thank You", but consider this....

A student of mine quoted an an acquaintance of his as once harshly saying "The word 'sorry' is the most overused word in the friggin' English language, get over the sorry part and start doing!" Well, you know why its so overused? Because some people *expect* the word "sorry" to be payment for a perceived affront....those same people don't use or choose not to use the words "thank you" enough to acknowledge the other's willingness to acknowledge their mistake.

Get off the ego high horse...no one really *owes* you the word "sorry". It would be one thing if you loaned a friend your lawnmower, and the friend accidentally broke it by running over a hidden rock or tree root. Yes they might have broke it, and yes the right thing to do is for them to apologize and maybe offer to fix it or buy you a new one. But really, they don't *owe* you anything if it was an accident. Would you demand the same apology from yourself if YOU broke the mower under same accidental circumstances? Why is it that you'd let yourself slide yet demand the World from your friend?

If you see the world in extreme black or white, or if you demand the world always be fair to you, you're in for a shock...the world *owes you nothing*. Its been here before you...if anything YOU owe *it*. Say "Thank you" for the opportunity to live on this particular area of the Universe!

"Thank you" is the phrase that pays.....it acknowedges acceptance for both giver and receiver. Use it often!